I'll give you a hundred dollars for the week.
- Sounds quite reasonable. - [Julia] Okay, this is just too weird.
Can we dissolve back now?
And so, eventually, you got engaged...
and then you broke up ages ago.
Sure, if you call three weeks ages ago.
You were engaged to her three weeks ago?
Honestly, Julia...
you have nothing to be jealous about.
Just because I see Grant with another woman doesn't mean I want him back.
[Ripping, Tearing]
- [Screaming] - [Screaming]
- [Growling] - [Screaming Continues]
Finger sandwich?
Okay, I'll go first.
Let me say we don't really need to be here.
- See, we've been dating for five days- - Six.
Five, six days, and this is like a checkup for us.
There's this huge space between us...
and it keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[Man] How honest are you with him?
Pretty honest.
I mean, it's not like I lie to him or anything.
I just, uh-
I mean, I-I have little secrets.
Everyone has secrets.
[Whispering] I have hepatitis "C."
[Man] How does that make you feel?
I'm not sure, really.
Let me clarify. I love Julia.
I... want her to be happy.
I want good things for her.
But there are times-
[Spits, Imitates Neck Snapping]
You know, when she's sleeping, just take a pillow and-
[Exhales]
[Julia] Thanks for helping me pick out my dress.
To be honest, I was surprised you called.
Well, you're a part of Grant's life...
and that means you're a part of my life too.
You look like a princess.
You don't think it's a bit too much?
Oh, not at all.
I'll go get some pins to fit it.
Uh-oh.
[Grunting]
[Moaning]
[Thinking] Why do you insist on dressing me in these fruity outfits?
- I'm gonna take this lollipop and shove it up your ass. - [Gasps]
[Thinking] I can hear everyone's thoughts.
[Thinking] I love Puerto Rican men. They're spicy.
It's like I'm trapped in a bad Mel Gibson movie.
[Thinking] What the hell was I thinkin'?
He's a freakin' backup dancer.
- [Thinking] Dude, I married Britney Spears! - [Grunts]
I'm rich! I'm rich, beotch! [Laughing]
- Rich! - Is the bride-to-be ready?
[Thinking] Bride-to-be? Shit. Not if I can help it.
I've got 24 hours to break up this wedding.
- No. - Yes!
[Chuckles] I'll turn Grant against you and make him love me again.
Me, me, me!
- Stay away from me! - Oh!
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Ringing]
- What is it now? - Grant's got an ex-fiancée.
And she has a thing for him. I just know it.
And they have this long, romantic history.
How can I measure up to that?
You can't. She's fine as hell.
I would tear that shit up!
You know, everything was going so well until she turns up.
Look, he's not with Andy anymore. He's with you.
You gotta put aside your insecurities. It'll all work out.
- Do you really believe that? - No, but my white customers do.
Wow.
- [Sighs] - Look, I believe in you and Grant.
And before you know it, you'll be walking down the aisle.
Oh, and saying our vows.
And our first dance!
## [Singing]
You call that dancin'? No.
- ##[Hip-Hop] - You see this? This is where you live.
Right here. This is your home. Huh?
Well, how about this?
##[Continues]
- That bitch be krumpin'! - ##[Continues]
##[Continues]
##[Ends]
It's okay. It's okay.
She's never gonna break us up.
Grant and I just have to get through the rehearsal dinner...
and then tomorrow's the big day.
Once we're married, everything will be perfect.
- [Gasping] - Who are you kidding?
- [Gasping Continues] - Grant's never gonna marry you.
You're not good enough. He's meant to be with Andy.
- Don't say that! - This is who you really are.
- [Disgusted Groan] - You're a frump, girl.
You may look different, but inside you'll always be me.
- No, please, stop. - You'll be stuck in that diner till the end of time.
I don't believe you. [Grunting]
True love is a myth. You better hurry up and marry Nicky...
before you end up a fat, dusty old maid.
- Never! - You'll see.
- [Grunts] - [Laughing]
[Goat Bleating]
Quiet, everyone. Quiet.
Roz has a few words to say.
Oh, thank you, hon. [Giggles]
Mmm!
I would like to make a toast.
To Grant and Julia!
Yeah! What? [Laughs]
Okay! Get crunk!
[All Shout] Get crunked!
You like it?
You look... ravishing.
What? What's wrong?
Grant, your whole courtship has been rocky, to say the least.
I just hope you're not rushing into this marriage with Julia...
as a way of getting over me.
I-
Oh, dear God. A carousel.
I, uh- I'd better get back.
Grant, this is our rehearsal dinner.
We're getting married tomorrow.
I need to know- do you still have feelings for Andy?
Of course not.
I trust you. I just don't want to get hurt.
You have nothing to worry about.
I'm devoted to you...
forever.
## [Singing]
## [Singing, Tone Deaf]
##[Betty Sings Lyric]
- [Applause, Cheering] - ##[Ends]
[Slurping]
- [Body Thuds] - [Jinxers Yowls]
No.
Not a zit on my wedding day!
Ohh.
[Groaning]
[Screams]
Where the hell is Julia?
Grant, I wouldn't be your best man unless I told you this.
Julia doesn't deserve you.
Oh, come on! She's an hour late for her own wedding.
Maybe she's got cold feet 'cause she knows it's not right between the two of you.
[Scoffs]
Do you ever think about us?
Yeah.
Me too.
My grandmother's ring.
She gave you this ring on her deathbed...
and made you promise to give it to the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.
You gave it to me.
My grandfather's toe ring.
Didn't he give you this ring on his deathbed...
and make you promise to give it to the woman you'd cherish forever?
You gave that to me too.
- Julia- - Oh! She's just the rebound girl.
I'm ready to take you back. Choose me. Marry me.
Andy, I just don't feel the same way about you anymore.
Julia's the one.
Then one last kiss.
Julia, no!
[Sighs]
##[Pop]
## [Boom Box: Man Singing Pop]
- ##[Continues] - [Man] Shut up! It's 4:00 in the morning!
Asshole!
Turn that crap off!
##[Continues]
- ##[Continues] - [Man] I'm trying to watch Desperate Housewives!
It's called an iPod! Get one!
##[Fades]
##[Pop]
##[Woman Singing]
Oh. Jinxers?
- ##[Continues] - [Yowling]
[Purring]
##[Ends]
[Frank] Julia.
Let's get you out of that funk.
Julia, will you marry me?
Please?
It was good, right?
I know Nicky's a little rough around the edges...
but give him a chance.
When your mother and I first got married, we barely knew each other.
I was a mail-order bride, could barely speak the English language.
Dad, you're from Jersey.
I'm tryin' to make a point here.
At first, Linda and I couldn't get along.
But we grew to understand and even respect each other.
I'm proud to say we've been married for 30 years...
and I have you and your sister to show for it.
Now, maybe that's not the fairy tale you dream of...
but that's real life.
So, what do you say?
I've been fooling myself all along.
There is no Prince Charming.
And true love is something that only exists in the movies.
Okay, Dad, I'll marry Nicky.
Back to work.
You're crying.
Tears of joy, Dad.
Thanks, Frank. I'll take it from here.
We are gathered here to join this man and this woman...
in holy matrimony.
Marriage is a contract that should not be taken lightly.
It must be honored by two people who are truly in love.
##[Man Singing: Pop Ballad]
##[Ends]
If anyone has any reason why these two should not be married...
speak now or forever hold your peace.
- I object! - Thank God!
This isn't what you wanted.
It's what I wanted.
I was wrong about Grant. He's a good man.
He even liked you when you were butt-ugly.
- How do you- - I saw it in your flashback.
You and Grant were meant to be together.
I don't know.
You need to read this.
[Grant's Voice] My darling Julia. I'm sorry.
So sorry.
So very, very sorry.
And yet, sorry seems to be the hardest word to say.
If you can ever forgive me and you're ready to make that leap...
I promise I'll be there to catch you.
If you still love me the way I love you...
then meet me where Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks.
On the Internet?
No, not in You've Got Mail, in Sleepless in Seattle.
Right. The observation deck of the Empire State Building.
But how do I get there?
Um, I'll Mapquest directions and I.M. -it to your Blackberry.
But I only have a T-Mobile Sidekick.
You can borrow my Treo 650.
How about we just meet where we had our first date?
A Restaurant? But that's way uptown. Traffic's a nightmare.
[Sighs] The rooftop of your apartment building?
Okay! Great!
This issue's six months old. I hope he's still waiting.
He'd be a fool not to wait for my daughter. Go get him, baby.
Thanks, Dad.
##[Man Singing: Pop Rock]
- Taxi! Taxi! - [Horn Honking]
- ##[Continues] - Taxi!
Someone! Someone please help!
Trick! You're getting on my nerves!
I need to get across town fast.
##[Continues]
- I owe you. - Damn straight!
I'm Hitch, bitch!
##[Continues]
##[Fades]
- [Tapping Button] - Come on. Open up!
Oh, please!
##[Muzak]
##[Continues]
He's mine!
- [Groans] - Keep your damn hands off my man!
[Screams, Groaning]
I'm too late.
Julia!
- Ohh! - [Yelling]
What happens after the prince rescues the princess?
She rescues him right back.
You make me want to be a better man.
You had me at "hello."
I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...
asking him to love her.
What? I'm also an ordained minister.
By the powers vested in me...
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Show her some love, man!
[Meows]
[Cheering]
- Bravo! - Beautiful!
- Yeah- - [Laughing]
[Cheering Continues]
[Whinnying]
Julia!
This is for you.
It's a vaginal thermometer.
It lets you know when you're ovulating.
It's been in our family for generations.
And if you want to keep it our lucky thermometer, don't ever wash it.
- Julia. - Dad.
You're gonna have to find a new waitress.
It's about time.
Come here. [Chuckling]
Hey. Take care of my daughter.
Come on.
[Guests Chattering, Laughing]
[Bernie] Good-bye! Best of luck!
[Chattering Continues]
- [Shouting "Good-byes"] - [Chattering, Laughing Continues]
Hey, is it too late to crash the Funkyerdoder wedding?
Bye.
[Julia Narrating] And we lived happily ever after.
But not before we went on our honeymoon to romantic Kong Island.
[Grunting, Murmuring]
[Screaming]
Help!
Please help me!
- [Grunting, Shouting] - [Creature Roaring]
Help!
Keep the camera rolling.
Oh, God!
- Help! Please! - [Footsteps Pounding]
- [Creature Roaring] - [All Gasping]
No. No! [Sobbing]
[Creature Purring]
- [Creature Gasps] - [Gasps]
[Cheering, Grunting]
[Natives Chanting] Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!
- Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra! - Ooh! [Laughs]
- That feels kinda good. - [Grunting]
A little... kinky.
[Creature Grunting, Panting]
Oh, yeah!
- [Grunting Continues] - [All Slurping]
[Inhales] I like hairy boys.
- [Giggles] - [Roaring]
##[Hip-hop]
[Crew Laughing]
- ##[Continues] - Yes! Yes!
[Coughing, Retching]
Yes!
[Imitating Bill Cosby] Yes! Beautiful.
Yes, drink it.
You're gonna love it.
Is that Cos's hand on your booty?
[Vocalizing Sharply]
- [Director] Cut it! - [Applause]
I'm kind of an amateur tennis player.
I was playing, it was a drizzly day...
and Roz came down and volunteered to hold my balls and keep 'em dry.
- His balls- - We got rained out anyway.
His balls are always wet, whether it's raining or not.
##[Continues]
Hey, is it too late for one more parody?
It's on the Hudson...
with breathtaking views of the skyline.
ˇ: Muy romántico!
Yeah! What? Okay!
Get crunk!
##[Continues]
- Hai! - ##[Continues]
- [Squawking]
Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah! I'm your baby! Nyah-nyah!
Infantilism.
##[Continues]
##[Ends]
[Man] How often do you have sex?
I don't understand the question.
I mean, it's a PG-13 movie.
We're limited to very mild sexual content.
Above the waist...
over the shirt, no tongues.
No tongue.
[Man] How about this week?
[Mouths Word] Nine.
- A hundred and 27. - [Rapper Shouting]
##[Hip-hop]
##[Ends]